Part 3 – What Actually Regulates: How to Bring the Brain Back to Safety

The Brain and Regulation Trilogy

In Part 2 – Why We Struggle to Think Clearly, we saw what happens when the alarm system takes over and the higher brain loses access to clarity and nuance. This final part of the trilogy looks at what actually brings the system back into balance – how we regulate, restore safety, and allow the higher brain to work again.

The thinking brain needs the lower brain to be in a safe mode in order to direct energy toward it and have the full scope of its ability to operate. That’s why everything we’ve talked about so far applies to the world we live in – not war zones or places where people must literally fight for survival. Even people living in hardship or illness still manage life mostly through planning, problem-solving, and strategy.

They may say they are fighting for their lives, but it’s a metaphorical fight. They are managing, not physically fighting. So what we face are problems, not dangers, and problems require the higher brain to function at its best. For that to happen, the lower brain needs to believe we are safe.

When we tell ourselves: stop it, don’t be anxious, or even when we simply notice that we are anxious, it’s often not enough. It usually comes with a hint of irritation or criticism toward ourselves, and that tone is exactly what the lower system hears as another attack – only this time from within. The message becomes "something’s wrong with me", and that keeps the alarm on.

So the way to regulate and bring the thinking brain back in has two main realms or lines of work:

The first is doing things we wouldn’t do if we were in danger. The metaphor I often use with clients is the animal in the meadow who suddenly sees a predator. If the animal chooses to start counting the flowers instead of staring at the lion, the brain concludes, if you’re counting flowers, it can’t really be a lion. That’s the message we want to give our own alarm system: this is not that kind of danger.

So what are the things we do when safe and wouldn’t do in danger? The first is attention. In danger, attention is automatically locked on the threat; it’s not voluntary. One way of regulating is to direct attention deliberately to something neutral – looking around the room and counting red objects, feeling the feet on the ground, or paying attention to the breath if it feels neutral. Each of these tells the lower brain we are not in immediate danger.

The same principle applies to simple acts like eating or drinking. An animal in danger will not eat or drink. Taking a small sip of water, something warm to drink, or a mindful bite of food sends a clear biological message of safety. We can combine this with attention – for example, noticing the warmth of the cup in our hands or the warmth of the drink going down the throat. This combination – safe action and focused attention – is a powerful way of regulation. We just need to use it intentionally, not automatically or excessively, so it doesn’t become emotional eating. The point is the decision and the awareness behind it.

Another thing an animal in danger won’t do is be playful, curious, or social. Introducing small bits of playfulness, humour, or creative imagery can also shift the system. Sometimes thinking about our emotion as a cartoon figure and observing it from a bit of distance changes the energy. All of these belong to the same realm – doing things that, if we were truly in danger, we couldn’t or wouldn’t do.

The second realm is activating the higher brain directly – engaging the part that uses language and observation. A simple and powerful tool is to use the phrase “I notice” and name what we notice. Not “I’m angry” or “I’m overwhelmed,” but “I notice anger,” “I notice overwhelm.” We can also describe sensations: “I notice tension in my chest,” “I notice my heart beating fast.” In doing that, we use higher language – we find words – and at the same time we take the observing position that belongs to the higher brain. This pulls energy back upward and turns down the danger response of the lower system.

These are some of the main ways we regulate. Regulation is not about convincing the brain with logic; it’s about showing it safety through what we do and how we direct our mind.

If the first post was about why counting to ten doesn’t work, and the second about why we can’t think clearly when the alarm is on, this part is about what actually helps. The higher brain can only function when the lower brain believes we are safe. Regulation is how we make that happen – by showing safety in small, clear ways so that thinking, feeling, and choice can come together again.

Together, these three posts form a map: from alarm, to hijack, to safety. Understanding how our brain works is the first step in changing how we live and relate – with more clarity, steadiness, and compassion.