I Tried Counting to 10 - It Doesn’t Work

Here’s why this simple advice often fails — and how to make it actually help.

"ℂount to ten” is one of the most common things we’re told, or tell ourselves, when we’re upset. Along with other versions like take time out, or breath.  It’s part of a wider message: that when we’re anxious, angry, or overwhelmed, we should calm ourselves down. Especially when it shows, when we’re visibly angry, panicked, or not in control. The expectation is to regulate ourselves quietly, efficiently and especially quickly.

It sounds simple, so why doesn’t it simply work. Well, when clients say it does not work, I ask them what is actually going inside their minds when they are trying that, what is the ‘inner dialogue’, that means what are they telling themselves inside their heads?

And what we usually find is that they are not just counting or breathing, with the counting there is a layer of criticism, pressure and a sense of urgency:

“you need to Calm down.”

“It’s happening to you again.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“This (whatever happened that caused the overwhelm) shouldn’t affect you so much.”

So What’s meant to be a way to calm yourself down can turn into another layer of pressure. Instead of soothing, it becomes another signal that something is wrong with you. No wonder it doesn’t help. We also mentioned the expectation that regulation will happen quickly.

This is another wrong perception that creates a vicious cycle. Regulation takes time, depending on the severity of the overwhelm, but it is not an ‘on-off’ button. Paradoxically, the more we allow it the time it takes, the less pressure we put, the faster it will go. But we cannot pretend to give it time, while we keep checking ‘has it worked yet?’.

How to Make It Work:

So here is guidance to make it work, how to fix the inner dialogue to make the break, counting or breathing actually work, by accompanying it with the right state of mind, with the good soothing inner dialogue. Try this next time you are in a state where you need to calm down, control anger, or regain your composure:

• Count to ten, but pay attention to what’s happening inside,

  Notice and name what you feel, without judgment:

  
  

  “I notice anger.”

  
  

  “I notice the wish to shout.”

  
  

  “I notice tears.”

  
  

  Pay particular attention to your body. Where do you feel these things? How do they show up?

  
  

• Give yourself kind and sympathetic support, by saying to yourself:

  
  

  “This is hard.”

  
  

  “This sucks.”

  
  

  “I am sorry for you that this is happening this way now”

  
  

• Praise yourself for the effort, even remembering to do this, to notice and praise is an achievement, give yourself the credit for it:

  
  

  “Well done for noticing.”

  
  

  “Well done for remembering to take a step back.”

  
  

  “Well done for trying.”

  
  

The counting is just a neutral focus, a way to step away from the distress for a moment. So, as you count, focus on the counting itself, or on your breathing, or on something else that is neutral, like counting 10 red things in the room, naming objects around you (this is a table, this is a chair etc.) and don’t follow the critical, self-beating thoughts that might show up alongside it. When the overwhelm is noticed, again, notice and name it, follow it change, remember that everything changes, nothing stays the same.

Try following these instructions, try it once or twice now, as you read, when you are calm without stress, just notice, praise yourself for exercising, then try it next time you feel distress or overwhelm. Let me know how it goes.